Voice mail
by lamekirby
Summary: Scenarios of what would happen if a Bleach character didn't pick up his or her cell phone.
1. Ichigo

**_I DO NOT OWN BLEACH!!!!_**

"That stupid Ichigo!" Rukia yelled.

"What? He won't answer his cell phone?" Renji asked.

"Yeah. And listen to his voice mail message!"

Rukia proceeded to put the phone on speaker, and held it up to Renji.

"Yo! This Ichigo! Obviously, I can't answer my phone right now-probably because I'm killing some random hollow or saving someone's butt- so please call me back later!"

There was a 'beep' after the voice mail played.

"Ichigo, you stupid useless dummy! You better pick up you phone right now, or else I will beat you to a bloody pulp and shove a cat down your throat!" Rukia yelled.

"Rukia, I'm pretty sure shoving cats down people's throats is animal abuse." Renji said.

"I DON'T CARE! I just want him to answer his stinking phone!"

(AN: This is short, I know. All my story chapters are short. XD any who, if you have a request for someone, please tell me!)


	2. Grimmjow

"Aizen-sama, why can't we start the meeting?" Gin wailed.

"Because Grimmjow isn't here yet." Aizen answered.

"Well, that's a stupid reason…" Gin muttered.

Aizen decided to ignore him.

"Ulquiorra, you have Grimmjow's phone number, correct?" Aizen asked.

"Err… yes, sir."

"Put your phone on speaker and call him."

"Yes sir."

Ulquiorra put his phone on speaker and proceeded to call Grimmjow.

After a few minutes, Grimmjow's voice mail played.

"BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you're listening to this message then I am currently beating the crap out of Ichigo Korusaki! Also, if this is Aizen then… I think you're a moron. Go crawl into a hole and die."

An awkward silence followed.

"Sir, I think Grimmjow is high on cat nip again." Ulquiorra said.

"Yeah… probably."

(AN: If you have a request for someone, please tell me!)


	3. Chad

The Karakura gang was all in Urahara's shop.

Well… everyone but Chad.

"Hey, what's taking Chad so long?" Uryuu asked.

"Who's Chad?" Urahara asked.

Everyone ignored him.

"I'll call him." Ichigo said, while pulling out his cell phone and dialing Chad's number.

"…"

"Well?" Uryuu asked.

"Chad's voice mail is kind of… lame." Ichigo said.

"Oh! I wanna hear it!" Orihime yelled.

"Kay…"

Ichigo put his phone on speaker and dialed Chad's number.

"If you are hearing this, then it means that I, Chad Yasutora, who is probably the most under appreciated person in the world, had a phone call. I'm probably doing my happy dance right now. Please leave your message after the beep."

"… I didn't know that we under appreciated Chad." Uryuu said.

"So, is anyone going to tell me who this 'Chad' person is?" Urahara asked.

(AN: If you have a request for someone, please tell me!)


	4. Matsumoto

Toshiro was, as always, in his office, doing paper work.

"Where is Matsumoto…?" He grumbled.

About an hour earlier, the busty Vice captain had went on her 'break'.

She still hadn't come back yet.

Not being able to take it anymore, Toshiro used his office's phone to dial Matsumoto's number.

"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLO! I know this probably my captain, sooooo…. I'm not a bar, drinking my butt off with Kira and Hisagi. And if this is Gin then… Stop calling me. I hate your guts, you ugly fox face."

You could practically hear one of Toshiro's nerves explode.

"MATSUMOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*over in some random bar*

"Hmm. Matsumoto, did you just hear something?" Hisagi asked.

"Nope! Your drink is obviously getting to you!" Matsumoto chirped hapily.

(AN: If you have a request for someone, please tell me!)


	5. Byakuya

To say that Renji was surprised when he walked into the sixth division's office would be an understatement.

You see, Byakuya Kuchiki was usually in the office WAY before Renji.

But he wasn't today.

'Huh, I wonder where he could be….' Renji thought.

Renji left the sixth division's office and shunpoed to the thirteenth's barracks.

When he saw a certain raven haired shinigami, he slapped her on the back of the head.

"OW! What's your problem, Renji?!" Rukia yelled while turning around to see the red haired pineapple.

"Have you seen my captain anywhere?" Renji asked.

Rukia put on her 'thoughtful face'.

"Hmm. Now that you mention it, I haven't seen nii-sama all day. Why don't you call him?"

Renji took out his cell phone and proceeded to call his captain's number.

"Hello, this is Byakuya Kuchiki. If you're wondering where I am right now, I am in the real world, taking an art class. Please don't ask why. Oh, and if this is Renji, don't try to make a move on my sister just because I'm gone. I'll see you in a week."

"Wow… I never knew nii-sama could talk so much in such a short time." Rukia commented.

It's a good thing Rukia didn't notice that Renji's face had become the same color as his hair.

(AN: If you have a request for someone, please tell me!)


	6. Ulquiorra

"I'm bored." Nnoitra said.

"No freaking duh." Grimmjow answered.

"So what do you wanna do?"

"I dunno. We can have cat nip."

"Dude, you're the only one who eats cat nip around here."

"Oh, yeah. So… do you wanna prank call Ulquiorra?"

"Sure. Anything before I die of boredom."

Grimmjow pulled out his phone, put it on speaker, and called Ulquiorra's number.

"Dude… why do you have Ulquiorra's number?" Nnoitra asked.

"I have him on sped dial." Grimmjow proudly admitted.

"WHAT THE HELL! WHY?!"

"Shut up. I think he's about to answer."

Ulquiorra's voice mail played.

"If you are trash, please hang up now. If you are not trash, please leave your message after the beep."

After the beep, Nnoitra and Grimmjow yelled, "KIND OF?!"

*later*

Ulquiorra was in his room, checking his voice mail.

He had just listened to Grimmjow's and Nnoitra's message.

"What are they? Deaf? I specifically said for trash to hang up."

(AN: Personally, I think this chapter is kinda epic...)


	7. Nel

"Starrk, stop sleeping all the time!"

"Fine… but you have to give me one good reason why."

"Uh… because I'm bored!"

"That's not a good reason. Now leave me alone."

Starrk then kicked Lynnette out of his room.

"Great… now what should I do…?"

An imaginary light bulb flashed over Lynnette's head.

She pulled out her cell phone and called a random number.

"Hahahaha! This is my best idea EVER! I'll prank call some random person!"

It's too bad that the 'random person' didn't answer.

You know what that means.

Yup; Lynette got someone's voice mail.

"HI! This is Nelliel Tu Oderschvank! The only reason you pwabaly weached dis number is if your Dondochakka or Pesche! OR… you must be some random person who wanted to prank call someone cuz your bored!"

"HOLY CRAP! How did she know that?!"

"Shut up, Lynnette! I can't sleep with you shouting!" Starrk yelled through his door.

"Hey! You're the one shouting!" Lynnette yelled.

"Don't make me cero your face off!"

Lynette was very quite after that.


	8. Tousen

Aizen and Gin were waiting for the final member for their tea party—I mean 'meeting' to show up.

"Gin, do you have any idea where Tousen is?" Aizen asked.

"Who's Tousen?" Gin answered.

"The blind guy."

"Who?"

"You know… he's got really complicated hair."

"Still doesn't ring a bell."

"… He's obsessed with justice."

"Oooooooooohhhhhh! Why didn't you say that earlier?!"

"Never mind. Do you know where he is?"

"What do I look like to you? A stalker?"

"… Are you hitting your rebellion stage?"

"Maybe~"

Aizen rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. The tea's getting cold. I'm going to call him."

Aizen proceeded to take out his cell phone and dialed Tosen's number.

"I wonder how a blind dude can use a cell phone in the first place…" Gin pondered while the phone rang.

After a few minuets Aizen got Tosen's voice mail.

"Well…?" Gin asked.

"What? Do you want to hear it?" Aizen asked.

"DUH!"

Aizen ignored Gin's rudeness and put his phone on speaker.

"Justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice, justice…"

"Wow, he has problems." Gin commented.

"Yeah. Oh, well. I'm not going to wait anymore. Pass me the sugar." Aizen said.

"Say pretty please!"

"**GIN**."

"Ok, ok. Sheesh. Calm down…"


	9. Renji

"Gah! Why won't any of the guys in my life pick up their cell phones?!" Rukia yelled.

Rukia called Renji's cell for the thousandth time in a row.

And she got his voice mail. Again.

"Hello, this is Renji! Don't bother me right now! I'm busy training so I can one day beat my pain in the butt captain in a fight!"

A beep played after the message.

"Wow, Renji. You're so pathetic. Oh, well. At least you weren't talking about Ichigo or something…" Rukia muttered.

*later that day*

"Rukia, I'm not going to buy you that limited edition Chappy doll for Christmas." Renji declared.

"WHAT?! WHY?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!"

"You called me pathetic."

"When?!"

"On my cell phone."

"You mean… you actually listen to your messages?"

"Of course! Why were you calling me so much anyway?"

"Because… I felt like it."

Renji was speechless.

"Hey… are you serious about not buying me a limited edition Chappy?"

"Hell yes."

"… Renji?"

"What?"

Rukia then kicked Renji on the shins and then ran away at the speed of light.


	10. Omeada

"… Kira?"

"What, Hisagi?"

"I'm bored."

"I don't care, Go drink with Rangiku or something."

"I can't! She went on an assignment in the real world!"

"Well, that's too bad for you."

"Kira, you better hang out with me or else I well show you a picture of Gin in a bikini."

"Why do you have a picture of gin in a bikini?"

"Do you REALLY want to know?"

"No…"

"Great! Now let's do something fun, like…"

"…Prank calling someone?"

"Yeah! Who should we prank call?"

"Omeada?"

"Who?"

"The fat guy who's in the second division."

"Oh. Ok. Do you know his number?"

"… No."

"Oh. Well, no worries. I have it."

"Dude, how do you have his number when you don't even know him?"

"No, I know him. Just not his name."

"… So what do you call him in your cell phone?"

"The fat guy in the second division."

"… Wow."

"Yeah. Now shut up. The phone is ringing."

And-of course- Omeada didn't pick up his cell phone.

"This is the great and fantastic Omeada speaking! Please leave your message after the beep!"

Kira was speechless.

Hisagi, on the other hand, was not.

"You should have said 'this is the great and FAT Omeada speaking'!"

"That was mean…" Kira commented.


	11. Unohana

Everyone's favorite fourth squad member was in the real world.

In case you haven't figured out yet, it's Hanataro.

Why was he in the living world?

Because his captain's birthday was in a week.

He was in the living world to buy her a gift.

Last time Hanataro forgot to buy his captain a birthday gift and…

Well, let's not get into that. That's story's a bit… gory.

Just kidding. But it is scary.

Anyways, poor Hanataro had no idea what to get his scary/beloved captain.

If he got her the wrong gift then…

Well, it wouldn't be pretty.

Suddenly, Hanataro had an idea.

He decided to call his captain and ask her what she would like as a birthday gift.

Sure, it wouldn't be a surprise, but at least she would be happy with the gift.

Hanataro took his cell phone out of his pocket and called his captain's number.

His captain didn't pick up. (That's not very surprising, is it?)

"Hanataro, if this is you, then you better not be calling to ask what I want for my birthday. I want my gift to be a surprise."

It looks like Hanataro's screwed.

*The day of Unohana's birthday*

"Yamada-san, please bring me your gift." Unohana said.

"O-okay!"

Hanataro gave his gift to Unohana.

She opened it to find a…

…

A wii.

"Yamada-san…"

"Y-yes?"

"Didn't you buy a game with this?"

"N-no."

Unohana gave Hanataro one of her scariest smiles. "Go buy me one." She said.

"Y-yes ma'am!"


	12. Isshin

"Wow." Ichigo mumbled.

"What is it, Ichi-nii?" Yuzu asked.

"Dad won't pick up his cell phone."

"Really? Let me try." Yuzu said, reaching for the phone in Ichigo's hand.

"Put it on speaker! I've always wondered what dad's voicemail was." Karin yelled from the living room, where she was watching T.V.

"What makes you think that dad won't pick up his cell?" Yuzu asked while dialing Isshin's number.

"Dunno. Just a feeing."

Yuzu called Isshin's cell and… he didn't answer.

"Ha! I have the power to the future!" Karin cheered.

"Hello, this is Isshin Korusaki. … What the heck am I supposed to say on this thing? Hmm… OH!!! Uh… wait, I forgot. Call be back when I remember what I was going to say."

There was a little beep after that.

The three Korusaki siblings stood in silence.

"Wow." Ichigo mumbled.

"Umm…" Yuzu said.

"Come on, guys. Look at the bright side." Karin said.

"There's a bright side?"

"Yeah. At least Goat Face didn't mention the giant poster of mom he has on the wall."

"That's true."

"Yeah. I guess we should be grateful for the little things."


	13. Kenpachi

**(AN: The voice mail is in italics)**

"Yumichika?" Ikkaku asked.

"Yeah?" Yumichika answered.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That depends. What are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about where the hell the captain and Yachiru were."

"Oh. Well. I was thinking about how beautiful the weather is today."

"O… Kay. But don't you wonder where they could be?"

"Don't worry Ikkaku. Maybe the captain is still trying to put on all the bells in his hair and Yachiru is trying to help him."

"It's twelve in the afternoon."

"So?"

"Maybe we should call them…"

"Oh! I'll do it!"

Yumichika then proceeded to take out his 'beautiful' cell phone.

He dialed Kenpachi's number.

And… he didn't answer. (Surprise, surprise.)

"_Ken-chan, Ken-chan! Don't you wanna make a voice message?!"_

"_No. Voice mails are for idiots."_

"_Mmmkay! I'll just make one for you!"_

"_Fine." _

"_Kay! If you're hearing this, thin it means that Ken-chan can't pick up his cell phone right now! He's probably doin' something that's REALLY important, like beating the guts out of somebody, or trying to find his way to somewhere, or…"_

"_Yachiru, that's enough!"_

"_No, it's not!"_

"_Yeah, it is!"_

There was some shuffling and a few seconds pause.

"_Yachiru, Give me back my phone!!!"_

"_Mmmkay! But you have to catch me first!"_

That's where Ikkaku and Yumichika decided to hang up.

"So… what do you want to do know?" Ikkaku said.

"We can go get some sake with Hisagi…" Yumichika replied.

"Alright…"


	14. Urahara

"Wow, who knew Thanksgiving break could be so boring?" Chad said.

"Who knew that we celebrated Thanksgiving in Japan?" Uryuu said.

"Well, it's Labor thanksgiving…"

"That's not the point."

"It's not?"

"It's not."

A short moment of silence went by.

"Hey, Chad?"

"Yes?"

"Do you feel like you've been useless lately?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I don't know…"

Another short moment of silence went by.

"Uryuu…"

"Hmm?"

"What does this have to do with the fanfic?"

"Fanfic? What fanfic?"

"We're in a fanfic right now."

"Well, that explains the rotten felling in my gut."

"It can't be that bad…"

"Chad…"

"Yeah?"

"I have this ridiculous urge to call someone…"

"Really?"

"Yeah…"

"I guess you should call someone, then…"

"Ok. I guess I'll call… Urahara?"

"How do you have his phone number?"

"I don't know. It conveniently appeared in my phone book."

"Huh…"

Uryuu's phone rang for a few seconds.

"I don't think he'll answer it." Chad said.

"That's stupid. What kind of fanfic involves a character calling another character and then getting a voicemail?"

"I don't know. This one, I suppose…"

"I bet it doesn't have a lot of reviews…"

"Quiet. His voice mail's starting.

"Hello! This is Kisuke Urahara speaking…! How in the world did you get my private number? Only Yoruichi is supposed to have it…"

A little beep came after the message.

"I'm sorry, Urahara. Apparently, this is part of the fanfic."

"Don't say that. He'll think your nuts."

"This entire fanfic is nuts."

"True that."


	15. Aizen

"Ulquiorra! We need those!" Yammy screamed.

"Alright…" Ulquiorra said, while picking up some jugs of milk and putting it into his cart.

"We need some of those too!" Yammy yelled, pointing to the frozen turkeys at the other end of the store.

"Ok…"

"Oh, Ulquiorra! We-!"

"Yammy, lower your voice. People are starting to look at us like we're a bunch of hobos."

"They can't be looking at us like we're hobos. After all, hobos don't have enough money to buy Thanksgiving groceries."

Yeah. Ulquiorra and Yammy were buying Thanksgiving groceries.

On Thanksgiving Day.

Why? Because Aizen said to.

And Aizen's word is law.

"Ulquiorra!"

"What?"

"We… need… that…!"

"Yammy, why would we need barbeque sauce?"

"To put on the turkey."

"You don't put barbeque sauce on a turkey."

"Yeah, you do."

"No."

"Fine! If you don't believe me, why don't you go ask Aizen!?"

"Alright, then…"

"Hello! This is the future lord of everyone and everything, Aizen speaking! Since your hearing this, it must mean that I am having a tea party; working on my awesome plan for world domination; or… trying to get Grimmjow to get down from a tree. Please leave a message after the beep."

A little beep played.

"HEY, AIZEN! DO YOU PUT BARBEQUE SAUCE ON A TURKEY?!" Yammy screamed into the phone.

Yammy waited a couple of seconds.

"WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME?!"

"Yammy, Aizen-sama's not on the phone right now."

"But I heard his voice…"

"Never mind. We have to go get the stuffing."

"WAIT! WE HAVE TO GET THE BARBEQUE SAUCE FIRST!"

**AN: Have a happy Thanksgiving! **


	16. Findor

"Where is he?!" Ggio yelled.

"Like I'm supposed to know!" Redder yelled back.

"Please don't shout. It's not beautiful." Charlotte said.

"Calm down, all of you. I'll just call him to see where he is." Poww said.

Barragan's fraction were all in the living world, standing outside a movie theater.

(They might as well see what the living world had to offer before they destroy it, right?)

Anyways, one member of their group was missing.

That person was Findor.

Just incase you haven't been keeping up with the anime/manga, here's a short description on each of Barragan's fraction.

There was Poww, An extremely tall and… big boned arrancar.

There was Ggio, the shortest of the bunch.

There was Charlotte, the one with the revealing skirt and a gender crisis.

There was Redder, who could fly even though his wings were made of steel.

And finally, there was Findor, who had a fetish for the word 'exacta'.

Poww was finally able to dial Findor's number. (It's hard for him since his fingers are too big for the buttons.) It rang for a few minuets and they finally got Findor's voice mail.

"Exacta!"

"That's it? Just one word?!" Redder yelled.

"It seems so…" Charlotte mumbled.

"All in vote for seeing the movie without Findor say 'I'!" Ggio yelled.

"I!"


	17. Uryu

Chad was walking down the street when a mysterious white van suddenly parked next to him.

"Hello! Would you like some candy?" the driver of the van said.

"No."

"Ok. How about this rare Chappy plush toy?"

"No…"

"Huh. I was sure that was going to work."

"Urahara, what are you doing?"

"Wha-! How did you know that it was me? This van even has tinted windows!"

"You're the only person I know that would go around in a mysterious white van and would randomly offer candy and a rare edition Chappy plush toy."

"Whoa!"

"… What?"

"I… I've never heard you talk so much!"

"I'm leaving…"

"Wait! Do you know anyone who would want candy or a Chappy toy?"

"Umm… Maybe Rukia."

"She said she already has the toy AND her brother won't let her have any candy. Some thing about rotting the noble Kuchiki teeth…"

"What about Uryu?"

"I don't know. Maybe you can call him?"

"Sure…" Chad said while dialing Uryu's number.

So Chad's phone rang…

And rang…

And eventually, it went to Uryu's voice mail.

"Hello, this is the last Quincy speaking. Please leave your message after the beep. Oh, and if you're a shinigami, I hate you."

"I guess this means Uryu hates you, Urahara."

"Yeah, I guess so. Hey, do you want a lift?"

"No. My abuelo taught me not to take rides from people in mysterious white vans."


	18. Orihime

"Ichigo."

"What, Tatsuki?"

"Why the hell are we gathering for a Christmas lunch AFTER it's over?!"

"She's got a point…" Uryuu said.

"Shut up! You guys are ruining the Christmas spirit!" Ichigo yelled.

"…" Was all Chad could say.

"At least Keigo isn't here."

"Yeah. Where is he again?"

"He and Mizuro went to Colorado to go skiing."

"Colorado?"

"It's in the U.S."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence.

"So, what did you get for Christmas?" Ichigo asked everyone.

"Contacts." Uryuu answered.

"Front teeth." Tatsuki said.

"Wha…?"

"Dunno. My parents think they're funny. What did you get, Chad?"

"A triangle."

"What?"

"The insterment."

"Oh. And you Ichigo?" Uryuu asked.

"That video game, 'Just dance'. My dad wants me to play it with my sisters."

Everyone was trying hard not to laugh.

Even Chad.

Now THAT'S saying something.

"Anyways, where's Orihime?! She should be here by now!"

"I'll just call her…" Tatsuki mumbled.

You should know what happends by now.

Yeah. Orihime didn't answer.

"Hi, this is Orihime speaking!"

You could hear a fire alarm in the background.

"Please ignore the fire alarm! It likes to exaggerate! There is no fire! The food is just burning in the oven!"

There was a moment of silence. (With the exception of the fire alarm).

"OH, NO! THE FOOD IN THE OVEN IS BURINING!" Orihime yelled.

You can now hear her rushing around the kitchen, trying to save the food and to turn off the fire alarm.

That's when Tatsuki decided to hang up.

"You know what? I'll just go over to her place and pick her up…" Tatsuki mumbled.


	19. Yumichika

"Ikkaku! Ikkaku! Look at what I just got!" Yumichika yelled.

"What is it? A piece of plastic?"

"No, silly!"

'_For some strange reason, that sounded really girly._' Ikkaku thought.

Of course, this is Yumichika we're talking about.

He's the toughest, girliest guy anyone knows.

"So what is it, then?"

"This… is a cell phone!"

"Dude, you already had a cell phone." *

"Yeah, I know."

"What happened to it?"

"It got ugly."

"How?"

"Scars."

"How can a cell phone get scars?"

"By dropping it a lot of times!"

"Ok, by why did you get a different model?"

"Silly---"

'_There he goes again. Why does he sound so girly when he says that?'_

"--- there's nothing beautiful about getting the same model!"

"… Sure. Whatever you say."

There was a moment where Ikkaku and Yumichika were standing and looking at each other.

"Hey, Ikkaku…"

"What?"

"Do you want to hear my voicemail?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Because it's beautiful!"

"Sure. Whatever."

So Yumichika put on his voice mail.

"Why, hello! You have reached the beautiful Yumichika! If you are beautiful, leave a message after the tone. If you are not beautiful, please delete my number from your phone book."

Then there was a tone.

Yumichika snapped his phone shut. "So, what do you think?"

"It was very… beautiful."

*Read chapter 13


	20. Toshiro

Matsumoto almost had a heart attack when she walked into the 10th division's office.

Why?

Because her tiny captain wasn't sitting behind his desk, working on the endless pile of paperwork.

In fact, he wasn't even in the office.

So where could the little captain possibly be?

Matsumoto came up with a few possibilities:

1. He was in a captain's meeting

2. He was in the bathroom (What? Even captains have to go.)

3. He got locked in a closet by a crazy fangirl; and said fangirl will not let him out of the closet until he confesses undying love for her

But Matsumoto decided to call him JUST incase it wasn't because of any of those reasons.

Even though she was pretty confident in her theories.

She called her captain and… it went to his voicemail.

"At this moment I am either; buried in paperwork, in a captains meeting, or hiding from my seemingly endless mob of fangirls. Matsumoto, if this is you, then you better start on your paperwork, pronto."

Matsumoto was speechless.

It seemed like only her first theory was valid.

And here she was hoping that it was the last one …

… What?

Her captain is in desperate need of a girlfriend.


End file.
